Falling In Love

The first time I felt love was the first time I opened my eyes and the first time I felt love break was the day my parents split when I was 3 years old. From that moment my life became a beautiful difficult challenge of loving myself.

As I grew through primary school I watched my mother fight for man after man’s love, she didn’t know the concept of loving herself. My father absorbed himself into work, a distraction from love's hurt. And my little sister, she did her own thing while I did mine. So I’d ask myself, who could fall in love with someone from a broken family? My answer, I CAN.

When high school rolled around my experiences changed. I heard the words from others, “You’re a slut. You have no friends.” So I’d ask myself, who could fall in love with someone that’s bullied? My answer, I CAN.

Sixteen. The thoughts in my head started to change. “I have to weigh less. I have to eat less. I have to rid my body from this.” So I asked myself, who could fall in love with someone that has disordered eating? My answer, I CAN.

Nineteen. These were the thoughts I heard, “It’s so dark, the lights have gone out. Who switched them off? Was it me? How do I turn them back on?” So I asked myself, who could fall in love with someone that lives in the darkness? My answer, I CAN.

That darkness was lifted with the help of a necklace that I was given from a woman who; protected and nurtured me like a mother; guided me like an aunty; stood by me like a big sister; and laughed with me like a best friend. I am now guardian to her child, my little cousin. Engraved on the necklace that she gave me are the words, “I am love, loved and loving”. Love is powerful and it creates change.

One year ago a world shattering love made me do something crazy, it made me change my life forever, it made me go vegan. That love was experiencing the loss of my first fur baby. To see and feel his pain as he died I knew that I could never be the cause of suffering to another, big or small, bug or human, because they feel love and pain as we do and I saw that.

A man once told me that I was this generations Mother Teresa, because my gift is that I’m in a constant state of empathy. That I feel what others feel with or without having experienced what they have experienced. And Mother Teresa, a woman who was love herself once said,

“If you judge people you have no time to love them” -Mother Teresa

The same goes for yourself. How often do you have that little voice in the back of your mind telling you you’re not good enough? If you judge yourself you have no time to love yourself.

Some days I still catch myself asking, who could fall in love with someone so broken, with someone who has such a horrific past, with someone who has so many imperfections and faults? And I always answer, I CAN. I can fall in love with myself so fiercely that my past, imperfections and faults won’t matter.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or experienced, you can always be worthy of your own love.

So how do I fall in love with myself? I acknowledge my achievements amongst the pain. Winning a scholarship to high school, graduating from fashion college, walking the Kokoda Track in PNG, and so much more.

I do the things I love to do. Learning Spanish “Ustedes son todos hermoses”, listening to music, walking in nature, cuddling my four beautiful fur babies, and writing whilst in a candle lit bubble bath.

Love is my passion; self-love is my drive. And I know that my future will be talking with people of all ages all around mother Earth about self-worth and how mine, yours, and ours is always infinite.

So even though I am still on this journey of falling in love with myself I know that I am WORTHY of my own love.