My Internal Writing Stories

My Internal Writing Stories

I miss my computer.

Three months ago I deffered University to dedicate myself completely to writing for the rest of the year. I made this decision the day before going into a Vipassana course and promised myself that I would begin the day I arrived home. That day was the day my computer died. A laptop that was only 3 years old. The first computer I had ever bought myself. I realise now it was in that moment that my dedication to myself ended before it had even began. I think in some way I saw that as a sign that I was worthless as a writer and that I shouldn't even try. Because since that moment I have STRUGGLED to write. It wasn't because my laptop had died, because I did most of my writing on my phone. It was because of the stories I began to tell myself. It's only now, 3 months later that I am beginning to see and dive into those stories. The reason being; I want to become a writer and I was born to do this. I know it in my cells, in my body, in my heart and in my spirit. I was born to write. It awoke in me 3 years ago and I have not wanted anything more since. It has always been fear to stop me, my stories that have stopped me. I ALWAYS have the resources to write. We ALWAYS have all the resources we need to do anything we wish to do. It's our minds that limit us and mine has certainly played that part in a massive way. So what are my stories? Here they are loud and clear for me to know why my reality is the way it is:

I am a terrible writer

I will never be as good as anyone

I don't have the right resources

I am shit

My writing is Grammarly incorrect

I am not good enough

Nobody will want to read my writing

I am going to be judged

My family is going to judge me

I am not free to express my self in every way I desire

I make people angry and that hurts

Making people angry is terrifying

If I never step out of line I will never get into trouble

My words are meaningless

My life is meaningless

I am worthless

This is not my path, this is other people's paths

I don't want to step on anyone's toes

My family doesn't like my writing

My family doesn't like my honesty

I am wrong

I am always wrong

My family is always right

I will never amount to anything

I am always a problem

These stories are HEAVY. They are shocking even to me. To be honest I had no idea that my stories ran this deep. These are judgements though and are unnecessary as this exercise was to just see me stories so that I know what to change. If you can't see what you are telling the universe you will never know what is creating your reality and you will never get to clearly choose differently. I get to choose differently now and remind myself and the universe everyday of something new to create a new reality. Here are the stories I CHOOSE for MYSELF:

I am a natural writer

I am proud of my uniqueness

I always have all of the resources I need and see them quickly with a bird's eye view

I am a natural creative and birther. My creations are perfect in there expression.

I free myself

It is easy for me to share my writing

I watch my life bloom. I watch my writing bloom.

My family loves and supports me. They have their own opinions and still love and support me. I am allowed to choose differently. It is safe for me to choose differently. I am still loved and supported.

I am always on my right path. Mama earth and the universe support me.

Judgement is safe. I choose not to judge. I choose not to choose other people's judgement. Judgement is a part of this world as it shifts and transforms. Judgement is safe.

My truth is my truth in each moment. I am allowed to be human. I am allowed to change my mind. I am allowed to stand strong. I am allowed to assess and keep my decision or choose something new. 

These stories become my base, my foundation. I'm allowed to go back and refine them. To make them different so that they continue to grow with me and encourage me more and more each day to bloom more beautifully into the unknown. Without updating our stories we can become stagnant and stuck. A change in life always means a change in the internal. Then we can magnify by searching for the new evidence and wearing our new lenses. Which is exactly what I am now going to do.

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13 Nov 2019 12:39 PMHannah Mitchell