My Body's Weight
My body always chooses the weight she wants to be at. Why do I say that? Because she holds all the keys. The key to her cycle, the key to her hormones, the key to emotional regulation and expression, the key to stress regulation, the key to the external seasons, and the key to mama earth herself and how she moves with her. My body holds all of this within herself. As does yours and every body else's. Which is why I say she chooses the weight she wants to be at.
Right now, I feel very large. Large because I've gained a few kilos and I'm feeling uncomfortable with that. I like having a stable weight. A weight that stays the same. Because it allows me to love my body in that sameness and become comfortable with it. The uncomfortable comes when changes start to happen, whether it be weight loss or weight gain, it doesn't matter. Sounds crazy I know. Most people feel happy with weight loss and uncomfortable with weight gain, yet I feel uncomfortable with both. And that's because as a teenager and an adult I have felt as though no one was ever happy with my weight. I felt as though I just couldn't please people. I can't believe I have been trying to please people with MY WEIGHT. How ludicrous! My body is mine and so incredibly sacred to me because it is my home. For so long now, and to be honest, for as long as I can remember, a comment has always been made about my weight, and in some cases WEEKLY. I was either too thin or had gained weight. In my perception this left me feeling never EVER good enough. So how was my weight to settle when I consistently had someone telling me I wasn't good enough because of my weight? Even though I know they didn't mean it in this way. My body has never been able to find peace in being herself. I haven't ever been able to find peace in being myself.
I want that all to change now.
I want peace within and peace without.
So it's up to me to have tough conversations with loved ones and it's up to me to gently give my body a new story she can live by, I can live by.
I started these tough conversations two nights ago. In gently telling a loved one that their comments on my weight whether it be too thin or too large, or too much of anything and not enough of something greatly impacts my mental image because of the end result of not feeling good enough in any way, shape or form. I truly believe it is no one's right nor responsibility to comment on someone else's weight, even if you are a loved one and feel you have that right and care of duty. A new beautiful way to go about your worry of someone's weight is to actually ask them how they are feeling. Because in most cases our weight reflects our internal world. Without commenting on someone's weight whether in a good way or a bad way, because that's just either judgement or validation, it allows a person to find wholeness in themselves for who they are. And if you are worried, asking them how they are feeling actually creates a deeper connection with that person, one based on true care and true meaning.
It's crazy to think that as a parent you can have this connotation that it's your right to make comments that are actually hurtful to the psyche of a child. One I hear so often is that "I'm your parent, I have to worry about you, it's my job". Worry is normal and natural, but where does trust come into that? That's one story I definitely won't be keeping and will let die off in history. Because it's that belief that has kept the comment on weight justified and many other comments justified. I know this might be blunt or harsh or I may be told "wait until your a parent" but my truth is awareness and experience and getting to choose what I want to keep for myself through what I believe, feel and see. It is never someone's fault. There is no right or wrong, only our experiences and interpretations. We are all ripples onto each other living as how we were created in our own life and responding from our own unique systems. It's just up to us to become aware of what is not working and have the courage to change that.
Even though I have started having the conversations I need to have to end the cycle, it's still up to me to change my own internal story of what my body is telling herself. So what is my new story? Hmm... I get to choose
I am enough
I love and accept myself wholly and completely in every shape and form
It is safe for me to be me
It is safe for me to be stable
My body naturally settles into her prime, thriving, vibrant and happy shape whatever that may be
I flow with change
Others comments are just their beautiful interpretations of their world. It is safe for me to hold and love my own interpretation
I am loved and supported in every shape and form
I love myself in every shape and form
I am free
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