Making Love After Sexual Trauma

I want to tell you of the beauty so that means I must tell you of the story, all of it, piece by piece, and so that if you are living it too, you can know that a rainbow does exist after a very heavy storm.

Several months ago my mental health started declining. Bit by bit, day by day I increasingly got angrier and felt the weight of sadness grow in my heart. I became more and more withdrawn from my partner intimately and affectionately, and interacted with her more and more out of irritation, anger and even rage. I grew to hate who I was being and in that became more depressed. I was so aware that I was reacting and didn't want to be that way but couldn't pinpoint why I was in that state. Until one day, four weeks ago, after starting a soul realignment (I'll write another blog on that one day), it hit me. I realised I had been keeping in a secret that was eating me from the inside out and my soul was starting to feel like it was dying.

It was the secret that I was sexually assaulted as a child. This is my first time writing that. At least the first time I'll be sharing that with more than my closest family and friends. But I want to start awareness around this and I know stories are powerful, so it's my gift to share mine.

At the beginning of the year I had memories awaken in my body and flash through my mind. Multiple of them, during moments where I felt open and safe with my partner. Thank goodness I was with her at the time and had her strength and love to hold me as my body and mind remembered. I love her so much and am so grateful for her in my life. These memories came in quickly over a two week period. Never having had a recollection of them before. Except one, one that I had had two years ago that I squashed and locked into a box that couldn't be. This time was different though, I couldn't deny so many. Again this is where I feel truly blessed, because I have a support team that is so incredible and completely held me and guided me in what I needed. I opened up immediately about the memories to my naturopath whom I love dearly and to my psychologist who was so empathetic and gentle. They both validated everything I was feeling and were there in everyway I needed from the both of them.

It was the validation that broke me. To know, even though I knew. To hear the words out loud that were already so loud inside me that my memories were real. I broke, in so much pain and in that with so much fear of rejection and so much fear of being disbelieved I went to the arms of my sister and told her everything. SHE. WAS. EVERYTHING. TO. ME. IN. THAT. MOMENT. She healed a huge part of me right then and there. Her love radiated through me in full acceptance and full compassion and full of feeling every inch that I was feeling. She became my strength and purpose. She became that a long time ago, but in this, on this day, became the fuel to the flame that solidified under the highest intensity. She loved me as my family no matter what, and I was, and am, so incredibly grateful that I get to walk this life with her, only being 19 months apart.

That day in my sister's presence I made a decision, trusting my intuition, that I wouldn't tell the rest of my family. I didn't want them to feel any more pain in their life and didn't want them to have to feel my pain, as I know as beautiful empathetic humans we do when someone we love tells us their story. Because we love them and we feel ourselves with them through each moment that they have walked. And so I knew I didn't want to do that in that moment. I wanted to protect them and protect their hearts. I told my sister that one day, if it ever felt right, if they were strong, I would. I pictured that to be at least 20 years into the future after I had had my own children. So from that moment I put it inside a beautiful box in my heart, locked it with a beautiful key and left it there knowing that it was ok, I wouldn't be fully known by my family but it was ok because I was protecting them. I was willing to do that with all my heart.

That was the moment it started to eat me, the moment I decided to keep it hidden. The moment I decided to stop healing and just let it be in a place with the light turned off "for now and maybe forever". The reason my mental health started to decline and the reason I started to pull away from intimacy and affection with my partner. Because something this big and painful creates more pain if it isn't healed. Pain breeds pain and healing breeds healing. Which is the very reason that when I realised what was slowly killing me internally I knew exactly what I had to do. I had to heal and I had to bring it out and into the light. I had to tell my family, one by one, and in that truly feel everything I had not felt and accept what had happened to me and how it revealed itself. I had to learn to love me on a whole new journey and in a whole new way and level.

I did and am doing just that. My family knows. They were the most amazing, beautiful, and heart centred in their response to me sharing my story. I grossly underestimated each one of them and they each showed me more than I ever could of dreamt of in the way of strength, resilience, love and caring towards me. I am so fucking grateful for my family, especially because I know, with my heart so tender, angry, tearful, and broken at this, that my families response to me is an anomaly in this world. Most families confronted with child sexual assault will push it away. ITS PAINFUL and breaks my heart as to how many people not only experience child sexual assault but also go through the experience of not being held or supported by their family. I am so incredibly lucky and count my stars each and everyday with a grateful heart. It also puts a massive fan to my flame, passion in my grit and serious fire in my bared teeth to change this in our world and teach awareness and caring response to this situation. It's time to be open and not fear this because it's our reality as a human race. It's time to heal it.

In healing it through out our life, through out the world, we heal it in ourselves, our lines of ancestry, our future blessings that will one day walk this earth, and vice versa. This is where I have finally been able to come to healing my sexuality, my sensuality and my love making. Love making with myself and love making with my beautiful partner. I've been able to rewrite it, start with new eyes, new love, new senses, new care, new softness, new openness, new surrender, new everything. I've started to discover myself in a new way. In a way that is healing and electrifying of my aliveness. A way that is breathing life back into my essence. For so long I wanted to avoid it, but love making is the final piece to healing sexual trauma, in my opinion and in the experience that I am walking.

Love making can be even more beautiful then before after you start healing. That is my story and that is the story I am living. One I will keep sharing in beautiful intricate heart moving detail. If you are on this journey too, don't ever lose hope, I promise it gets better as you keep taking the steps and leaps you need to take.

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